Sunday Snippet: Guardian, and how I am the worst slash and gen fan ever

[xparrot]

The last few weeks have been very confusing for me writing-wise because somehow my brain decided to deal with all the stress and disruption of present times by making me write porn. Which is pretty normal stress-relief for a lot of people, but I...am just not into smut? For the longest time I've said I'm both the worse gen fan ever because I have so many ships; but also the worst slash fan because while I love romance, I always just skim the sticky bits.

I've been writing explicit stuff on occasion for years now -- I actually enjoy writing it more than reading it, have never figured that one out -- but this run I think is about the most I've ever written at once (...and I think it's pretty tame stuff really, but it feels like A Lot to me ^^;;;)

But I seem to be working it out of my system because last night I went back to an old and much-loved trope wheelhouse and wrote pure angst and ahh, it was very nice! Not sure yet what I'm going to do with this, if anything. But there was some talk on Twitter a bit ago about presumed dead and how there wasn't enough of it in Guardian fic, and this is a variation on one of the ideas that came up...

Zhao Yunlan locked the apartment door, and then stood before it--exhaling, his shoulders falling, his head canted down.

"Zhao Yunlan?" Shen Wei could not help but ask, even knowing too well that it would go unheard. He reached out, wishing he could only extend his hand from the wormhole to touch Zhao Yunlan's shoulder. To tug him to turn around, so Shen Wei might see his face now.

In a moment, Zhao Yunlan heaved another breath, and turned anyway to move further into the apartment. Shen Wei peered anxiously into his revealed face, but saw--nothing. No expression he could identify; no expression of feeling at all. Zhao Yunlan's sensitive, mobile lips were set together, not smiling, but not twisted with a scowl either. His brow was relaxed for all the slightly tense hunch to his shoulders. His eyes were...

His eyes were blank, vaguely unfocused, enough that Shen Wei feared he'd been hurt after all, in a way Shen Wei hadn't been able to discern before. Surely his team wouldn't have allowed him to go home alone if he were concussed, or some other injury.

Or else perhaps Zhao Yunlan had been concealing it from them. While he was not limping, his steps were dragging as he crossed the room. As if he were exhausted, though it was not so late. Maybe his stomach was troubling him? Though instead of going to his bed, or to the refrigerator for his medicine, he went to the table instead. Took one of the bottles there, then turned to the counter and started to reach for one of the glasses in the drying rack that Shen Wei had washed this morning, and had since been unable to put away.

Except Zhao Yunlan paused, his hand outstretched for the glass. Froze for a moment, not even breathing, and then let go the held breath in a short, harsh rasp, as he spun on his heel, turned away from the rack of clean dishware.

Comments

Re: writing sex and angst (and being a fannish romancer)

[rheasilvia]

Ah, yeah, I get feeling awkward talking about porn reading and writing preferences; I totally think you could do it without messing with anyone's enjoyment, and I would love to read and discuss that post, though. But we can also discuss it here for now. :-)

Personally, I've stopped feeling embarrassed by liking porn, probably because at this point, I've written so much of it. I do remember feeling embarrassed while writing it in the beginning, though... man, that was a long time ago. ;-)

It's funny, I have a lot of OTPs that I happily see as either gen or a ship; the sex is inconsequential one way or another to what I enjoy in the relationship.

Ooh, that's interesting! I am a fannish romancer, myself; I only get into a fandom when I have an OTP (rather than, say, a single character that I love, or an ensemble cast that I love without shipping any of them). Without an OTP, I will love the canon - possibly very heatedly and enduringly - but I will probably never look for fanfic at all, and not get into fandom. I do read gen fanfic, but it has to relate to my OTP in some way... and actually, *this* is something that I am somewhat embarrassed about today; that I don't really want to read even the most excellent gen unless it brushes or leads up to romance, or is about backstory or the like.

But while I do always want my OTP's romance to include sex, I don't need to have it shown on-screen - although I can and do really enjoy that, too, if it gives me what I want from it beyond the mechanics.

WeiLan is one of those; physical desire is just part of their connection, in my mind. But it's not something I need to see realized to be satisfied -- I'm basically okay that we don't get to see them kiss in the show

Yes!! I am the same. I absolutely think that their relationship extends to the physical. I mean - Shen Wei's stares! He wants *everything* from Zhao Yunlan. His body is just a (debatably sized) part of that, but it is definitely part of it. But I also feel that what canon shows of the relationship is absolutely satisfactory. It expresses the same emotion that a more overtly sexual action would - for example, the way they stand close and gaze at each other with complete concentration and fascination is pretty much like the most intense kiss ever. So I don't need to see it either. :-)

why am I coming up with stories that require porny details, rather than other ideas?? It's just odd!

It really is! If there are several such stories at this point, is there a common denominator that might give you a hint? What do the porny scenes have in common, other than the porniness? What function do they serve in the plot and how do they influence the characters and the rerationship, for example?

And OMG, I am experiencing the exact opposite phenomenon. Seriously, a few weeks back I tried to come up with a plot idea that would pretty much *have* to include sex. So I thought, okay, undercover in a sex club or hookers - both of those are pretty fail-safe in terms of getting the OTP to have sex, right? And then I proceeded to hammer out the details in my head and realized - WOW. They would almost certainly be completely unable to have sex in this hooker story. *headdesk*

Re: writing sex and angst (and being a fannish romancer)

[xparrot]

Ooh, that's interesting! I am a fannish romancer, myself; I only get into a fandom when I have an OTP (rather than, say, a single character that I love, or an ensemble cast that I love without shipping any of them). Without an OTP, I will love the canon - possibly very heatedly and enduringly - but I will probably never look for fanfic at all, and not get into fandom. I do read gen fanfic, but it has to relate to my OTP in some way...

See, this is why I say I'm a bad gen fan, because I get this completely, it's true for me as well! I have a lot of ensemble shows, books etc I love and I'm a fan of, but it's a different type of fanning than what I read and write fic for. Of the fandoms I've written more than one or two fic for, they're usually for a single relationship in that fandom. It's just for me this relationship doesn't have to be romantic; but I generally still want it to be the most important relationship to the characters. Like, I'm very into codependent sibling relationships that aren't incest but are unusually close/obsessive (I've been a Supernatural fan since season 1, long before Castiel existed!)

In all honesty, I started out in fandom as a gen only fan but got into slash/romantic shipping mostly because it was a good way to make sure my favorites wouldn't end up with someone else more important to them 😅 And yes, this is why I love h/c, because it's a great way to explore this kind of closeness but doesn't depend on romance.

And yeah, the not really wanting to read/write non-OTP fic...haaah it me. Even when I have a favorite character, it's still about the relationship for me really. Like, I love Shen Wei the most...but I'm mostly interested in reading about him in relation to Zhao Yunlan; in fact one of the reasons I love Shen Wei so much is because he is so wrapped up in Zhao Yunlan that you can't really separate them. Even when I wrote 10k of SW/other, the whole underlying theme is that Zhao Yunlan is the one for him 😅

If there are several such stories at this point, is there a common denominator that might give you a hint? What do the porny scenes have in common, other than the porniness? What function do they serve in the plot and how do they influence the characters and the rerationship, for example?

Oh I did not think of analyzing it so closely! Hmmm... Well, most of the porn I've written now is in my Dixing pon farr continuity. So it's really a version of h/c, putting them back together, fixing some of Shen Wei's intimacy issues. But then I was thinking about how all my smut has been h/c and so came up with an idea that wasn't...though that one is comedy instead (both of them tormenting each other 😅) I still don't have ideas that are just straight smut for the sake of hotness...

So I thought, okay, undercover in a sex club or hookers - both of those are pretty fail-safe in terms of getting the OTP to have sex, right? And then I proceeded to hammer out the details in my head and realized - WOW. They would almost certainly be completely unable to have sex in this hooker story.

Ahahah if only we could switch brains! But FWIW I would be so into a hooker story with no sex, so if you did feel like writing it... 😆 (What about your idea for demi Zhao Yunlan, could that bring in the sex?)

Re: writing sex and angst (and being a fannish romancer)

[rheasilvia]

Of the fandoms I've written more than one or two fic for, they're usually for a single relationship in that fandom.

Oh yes. For me this is almost always true, unless something exceptionally weird is going on with the way I relate to that particular canon.* I am in it for the romance, and I am an OTPer, so usually it's all about that one couple for me. Unrelated gen will not interest me; unrelated romance will not interest me; romance involving one part of my OTP with someone else is something I avoid the way demons avoid holy water. ;-)

* (I started out saying this is true for me without exception, but then you mentioned Supernatural, and I realized there are borderline cases where I creep into a fandom because I really want there to be an OTP for a character I love, but what's on offer doesn't quite click for me. Like Utena - or like Supernatural! I wrote a bit of Wincest back in the day even though those two are not an OTP for me, just because I loved Dean so much. He needed someone so badly, and Sam was the person Dean loved, but the relationship never really worked for me in the right way; if I'd stayed in the fandom for longer, I'm pretty sure I would have acquired Dean/Castiel as an actual OTP.)

I started out in fandom as a gen only fan but got into slash/romantic shipping mostly because it was a good way to make sure my favorites wouldn't end up with someone else more important to them

Heee, this makes perfect sense to me! Whether it's a gen OTP or a slash OTP, having it broken into by someone else is just awful. I know not all fans are OTPers, but for me it's really heart-breaking when an OTP doesn't work out. For me, it's clear these people need each other, and they will never be truly happy without each other, so it's incredibly sad and depressing to imagine them ending up with anyone else. Even when the author writes it as a completely happy pairing!

one of the reasons I love Shen Wei so much is because he is so wrapped up in Zhao Yunlan that you can't really separate them.

Oh yes! I love the way you put that. :-) Absolutely, they would not be themselves without each other.

Hmmmm... Could your porny ideas perhaps all be about addressing intimacy issues through sex / the physical? Whether it's h/c or comedy, I could see that as a possible common theme. (I love analyzing these things, but please do feel free to stop me! *g*)

Yeah, switching brains would be ideal! :-) And I might very well end up writing the hooker story without sex; I am just stuck on my present WIP(s) a bit, but do want to finish it first.

What about your idea for demi Zhao Yunlan, could that bring in the sex?

Hm, that's a good question! I think it very well might, in a future story. I always write Zhao Yunlan as demi because that's how I see him, but it doesn't really play a noticable part in the stories I'm presently working on (or those I've already written, for that matter). It'd definitely be more of a theme in one of my as-yet unwritten story ideas where they're just embarking on the relationship. Not a central theme, but more present, and so actually noticeable to people who are not me. :-)

Re: writing sex and angst (and being a fannish romancer)

[xparrot]

Yuuuup -- everything you say here is pretty much exactly what OTP means to me, and it's how almost all my fic-fanning works. Which is not how it is for everyone, I know! And sometimes I think it would be really fun to be a multishipper and have more to read...but then, the feels my OTPs give me, I wouldn't want to give that up.

For me this is almost always true, unless something exceptionally weird is going on with the way I relate to that particular canon.

Yeah, I've had a few exceptions. The oddest was probably One Piece, in which I kind of OTP'd the whole crew. Which created this weird effect that I was sort of a multishipper, except I found I had trouble reading most ship-fic, because I was bothered by stories that implied any one pairing of chars had a closer relationship than those chars did with anyone else. Like a reverse OTP effect ^^;

For SPN, Dean is my favorite, but I do like him basically platonically married to Sam, and really like overall how they've developed. So while I actually like Cas as a char and like his friendship with both brothers, him being OTP with Dean, noooope cannot handle. Which did make being in SPN fandom a bit of a fraught experience ^^;

For me, it's clear these people need each other, and they will never be truly happy without each other, so it's incredibly sad and depressing to imagine them ending up with anyone else. Even when the author writes it as a completely happy pairing! 

Ahaha oh yeah... it's worse if they're happy, really; if they're in another relationship but it's lacking, that can be angstily satisfying. While as I can't even skim-read a happy shipfic that breaks up my OTP because I'll actually get depressed ^^; I basically care about my favorite relationships more than the people in them (in fiction! I always feel the need to emphasize this ^^;;;;;)

Could your porny ideas perhaps all be about addressing intimacy issues through sex / the physical? Whether it's h/c or comedy, I could see that as a possible common theme. (I love analyzing these things, but please do feel free to stop me! *g*)

No, please do, I love it too!
Intimacy is definitely a big part of it...really it's the theme of most of what I write. The comedy one I'm not sure on, though...I might have to write that one just so I can figure out what it is about!
I wonder if some of it is just that I've written a lot of Guardian fic at this point, so writing the sex is an angle on their intimacy I haven't done as much of -- more fertile ground for me? Hmm....

It'd definitely be more of a theme in one of my as-yet unwritten story ideas where they're just embarking on the relationship. Not a central theme, but more present, and so actually noticeable to people who are not me. :-)

Sign me up for wanting to read this one too, if/when it gets written! I haven't read much of obviously demi!Zhao Yunlan and am curious to see how it plays out (he's demi-romantic in my mind for sure, but in the drama it is true that there's not much evidence that he had any kind of interest in anyone, until Shen Wei...)