xparrot | pure fiction, metaphorically speaking

[Just a passing thought I had...]

Sweet-tooth

Low returns in the third quarter inspired the H--- corporation to mass market its latest specialty product with a full campaign: billboards, magazines spreads, TV spots, the works. Even for such an untouchable giant of a corporation, it was a bold move. But the issue was really brought into the spotlight by the tabloid photos of superstar J---, recently declared hottest woman of the year by two separate publications which mattered, sinking her pearly white teeth into a huge, smooth, sinfully pale bar. Especially the shot of her licking her lips afterwards.

"Think of the example it sets to children!"

"But what Christian child doesn't get a white chocolate rabbit for Easter?"

"That's an old tradition. We're talking about people choosing white chocolate over dark."

Contrary to her publicist's pleading, desperate advice, J--- made a statement, addressing the huge crowd camped outside her mansion wrapped in a peacoat, the December breeze nipping her cheeks to a beautiful ruddy pink. "I've always preferred white chocolate to dark. Even when I was a child, I used to save my pennies to buy a H---'s White Macadamia bar, which I would hide in my underwear drawer and only allow myself half a square a day, so it would last."

Not content merely to boycott her latest film, pickets were staged outside cinemas. Fights broke out when wind-blown signs 'accidentally' slammed the opposition in the heads. "Cocoa-nuts!" one side chanted; "Butter-ups!" the other screamed back. Widely circulated by both parties was a quote from a bewildered assistant producer, "But the movie's got nothing to do with chocolate?"

"Most telling," wrote one critic of some note, "is the scene of B--- smoothing creamy, white, cocoa butter suntan lotion over her tanned skin." No less than three media conglomerates censored the scene in question when the movie hit broadcast television.

Ingredient lists circulated the Internet, with spaces inserted where the key liquor element was lacking. "It's not real chocolate. It doesn't deserve to be called chocolate at all!" Massive emailings forwarded recipes from the dessert menus of famous Hollywood restaurants, with waiters' gossip about which stars had ordered what. Much speculation ensued over which actors might share J---'s unusual tastes.

J---'s courage inspired others. "Mom, Dad...I like white chocolate."

"But Johnny, I used to put H---'s chocolate kisses in your school lunch box every day!"

"I traded them, Mom. Every day."

Families were tragically torn asunder. "There'll be no white chocolate under this roof!" bellowed the father to the son, even as the mother, giggling, divided a bar with her friend next door.

Magazines such as The Other White and Chocoholic Blanche featured product reviews, interviews with stars who might have sampled more than vanilla icing, and recipes. Some libraries and schools banned books with references; others found it easier to simply black out all descriptions of sweets with permanent marker.

In the schoolyard, four 10-year-old boys were discovered tasting a bag of pastel melting candy chips, and protested, "But they're green and blue, not white!" Three of the boys were given detentions; the fourth, who had filched the chips from his mother's baking supplies, was suspended pending investigation. There was suspicion that his mother had deliberately given him the bag. She was known for handing out melted candy pumpkins on Halloween.

B--- did his costar J--- one better. In an interview with a single reporter at an undisclosed location, he stated, "I like...both." Videos popped up online showing him eating a dark bar and a light in quick succession, but most believed the footage was faked with a mouth double.

Nevertheless, he was not alone. Those who followed in his footsteps, hoping for the understanding of all, instead found themselves derided by both dark and white lovers.

"How can you like both? Make up your mind! Good God! Dark and white chocolate? They're nothing alike! Nothing! Next thing you know you'll be saying you like peppermint more than either!"

C--- lost an election over the scandal of the candy wrappers found in his trashcan. Claims that they were the leavings of a since-fired intern came too late to do his career any good.

Most dentists would not discriminate. Cavities were cavities, no matter the source of the sugar.

Identical twin studies indicated that there might be a hereditary basis for chocolate preference. "While environment and exposure plays a role, just as some people are predispositioned to have more of a sweet tooth than others, so too may some people be genetically inclined to enjoy different flavors."

The carefully worded study was adopted by both sides. "It's not just that we're 'corrupted'. We're born this way, to like what we like. We might as well try to change the color of our skin."

"A preference doesn't mean you must eat it. One need not give into every temptation of the flesh. If you don't like real chocolate, why eat chocolate at all? Stick to Jolly Ranchers. As it is written in Job 20:9, 'Though wickedness be sweet in his mouth, though he hide it under his tongue.'"

"Chocolate is American! Cacao beans were unknown to all the Bible's authors!"

"Nothing is unknown to God!"

"What's the harm of showing white chocolate consumption on TV? If dark chocolate really is better, then why not let your kids taste both and figure out that truth for themselves?"

"Why do candy companies even make white chocolate?"

And so it goes, until the final cacao bean is pressed of its bitter liquor and mouthwatering butter.