prose de purple

[xparrot]

So mfuwss is holding a Bulwer-Lytton style worst-opening-sentences challenge, and since I cannot resist any excuse to extrude outrageous purple prose:

Illuminating was the day when Napoleon Solo's milk-chocolate-hued orbs did happen to lift from the blizzard-like expanse of paradoxically white red-tape covering his desk, and fell upon the pulse-pounding vision of Janet St. Claude, his most recent flame in a libidinous and continent-spanning candelabra, with her lithe arms encircling the sable-suited shoulders of Illya Kuryakin, his steadfast partner in profession and comradeship alike, and also, so the surprising stab of jealousy's searing hot poker occasioned Napoleon to realize at this singular instant, his one and only true love--excepting, of course, his still-mourned wife, the tragically married Clara, that THRUSH scientist chick who (it occurred to him in passing) he'd quite forgotten the name of, even as she had forgotten everything but his own name; and perhaps a dozen other women and a couple men of unsurpassed fairness and virtue--but really, the important thing was the unexpected epiphany that he wanted in Mr. Kuryakin's off-the-rack but oddly flattering trousers at the nearest possible opportunity, and Miss St. Claude would have to wait (until tomorrow morning at the very least.)

Comments

[sp23.livejournal.com]

Wow, I think I hurt myself reading that sentence. LOL

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Velvety brown gaze departed from glacial blues as Napoleon bent his head to behold the rosy-crested ivory tower of tumescence bobbing before him, the fruit of Illya's lusty loins.

[sophia-sol.livejournal.com]

That is truly a sentence of awe-inspiring proportions. It made sense and was grammatically correct and everything, despite its epic length! And by the end I was actually kind of interested in the story once the "orbs" and so forth were left behind....

(uh, by the way, hi! Long-time lurker here to say thank you so much for introducing me to the world of Man From UNCLE fandom! Your fic "Discretionary Powers" was what motivated me to start reading MUNCLE, and thus far I have really enjoyed all your MUNCLE fics.)

[greyias.livejournal.com]

I... couldn't make it to the second line...

Why do you hurt me?

[severedscythe.livejournal.com]

that was AMAZING and my head hurts now. TIME TO DOWN MYSELF IN MINT AND CORNFLOWER TEA.

[trystings.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, I declare that you must have been the victor in this encounter.

(I owe you a big mail of cheer. I haven't forgotten) :)

[utopiantrunks.livejournal.com]

*falls over dead* LOL. What the ever-frogging hellbiscuits?! My brain just exploded into a thousand shivering shards of light in its futile attempt to parse in spite of me.

[snarkydame.livejournal.com]

*snorfles*

Somehow, you seem to be channeling the demented bastard step-child of Terry Pratchett. If that child was raised in a commune run by teenage slash writers who post exclusively on DeviantArt.

That takes MAD skills. *bows*

[stitcher2ficcer.livejournal.com]

Egads! I do love it when your writing turns purple. But this, I think, surpasses the violet hue of anything you've yet put into print. Love the "most recent flame in a libidinous and continent-spanning candelabra." And the list of exceptions to Napolean's true love is highly comical. I'd love to share this with your dad to celebrate your prose-de-purple talent, but somehow I don't think he'd appreciate one of his teenage fan objects "want[ing] in Mr. Kuryakin's off-the-rack but oddly flattering trousers."

I printed the draft of your current story yesterday but fell dead asleep last night before reading it. Am sick, alas, and in need of extra sleep. Am meeting Maren at Readercon tomorrow if I'm well enough; will try to read and comment over the weekend.

Love you.

[franzeska]

Is it terribly bad of me to want to read the rest of the fic that would go with that opening?