prose de purple

[xparrot]

So mfuwss is holding a Bulwer-Lytton style worst-opening-sentences challenge, and since I cannot resist any excuse to extrude outrageous purple prose:

Illuminating was the day when Napoleon Solo's milk-chocolate-hued orbs did happen to lift from the blizzard-like expanse of paradoxically white red-tape covering his desk, and fell upon the pulse-pounding vision of Janet St. Claude, his most recent flame in a libidinous and continent-spanning candelabra, with her lithe arms encircling the sable-suited shoulders of Illya Kuryakin, his steadfast partner in profession and comradeship alike, and also, so the surprising stab of jealousy's searing hot poker occasioned Napoleon to realize at this singular instant, his one and only true love--excepting, of course, his still-mourned wife, the tragically married Clara, that THRUSH scientist chick who (it occurred to him in passing) he'd quite forgotten the name of, even as she had forgotten everything but his own name; and perhaps a dozen other women and a couple men of unsurpassed fairness and virtue--but really, the important thing was the unexpected epiphany that he wanted in Mr. Kuryakin's off-the-rack but oddly flattering trousers at the nearest possible opportunity, and Miss St. Claude would have to wait (until tomorrow morning at the very least.)

Comments

[sp23.livejournal.com]

Wow, I think I hurt myself reading that sentence. LOL

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

Here, have a cookie if you made it to the end! ^_^

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Velvety brown gaze departed from glacial blues as Napoleon bent his head to behold the rosy-crested ivory tower of tumescence bobbing before him, the fruit of Illya's lusty loins.

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Napoleon," Illya gasped, his head of flaxen gold thrown back in sensual abandon, his beloved partner's appellation wrenched from his lips as inevitably as folded bills grasped by a pickpocket's nimble digits from the bulging pockets of a tourist so exceptionally stupid as to put his money clip in his outer suit jacket pocket, not that Napoleon would ever do such thing, except maybe that one time, and it was only because certain tourists are wary of putting exploding money clips in their trouser pockets for obvious reason, and really, Illya, will you ever let me hear the end of that?

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

*bows before ye*

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

...once I start purpling, it's difficult to stop ^^;

(have I ever mentioned how much I adore that icon? because, HEEEE.)

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Hee! That one's by st_crispins, who is deranged. Someone else made this one, which never fails to crack me up. I wish I could remember who made it -- sithdragn, perhaps.

[sophia-sol.livejournal.com]

That is truly a sentence of awe-inspiring proportions. It made sense and was grammatically correct and everything, despite its epic length! And by the end I was actually kind of interested in the story once the "orbs" and so forth were left behind....

(uh, by the way, hi! Long-time lurker here to say thank you so much for introducing me to the world of Man From UNCLE fandom! Your fic "Discretionary Powers" was what motivated me to start reading MUNCLE, and thus far I have really enjoyed all your MUNCLE fics.)

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

It made sense? Are you sure you weren't reading some other sentence? ^_~

(and hi! Welcome to MUNCLE fandom - thank you, so glad you've enjoyed my fics, and be sure to check out the rest of the fandom, there's a lot (decades' worth!) of fun stuff about!)

[sophia-sol.livejournal.com]

Yes, it made perfect sense! :D I had to read it slowly and carefully to get the structure of it in my head, but once I did, it was a great sentence. Possibly I'm a little too fond of longwindedness... my own sentences, if I don't check them, ramble on to nearly that length sometimes, and occasionally with a great deal less coherency.

(Thank you! I have already delved quite thoroughly into what there is to offer; I tend to dive headfirst into a new fandom and read almost non-stop for several weeks. You don't want to know how big my MUNCLE folder is in my bookmarks. But there's so much good fic out there!)

[greyias.livejournal.com]

I... couldn't make it to the second line...

Why do you hurt me?

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

You just have no appreciation for ART! This is MY SOLE SOUL SPEAKING! XPPPP

[utopiantrunks.livejournal.com]

Don't you know it's rude to show people your souls soles?

[severedscythe.livejournal.com]

that was AMAZING and my head hurts now. TIME TO DOWN MYSELF IN MINT AND CORNFLOWER TEA.

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

*offers honey for your tea*

[severedscythe.livejournal.com]

*adores on for it*

AHAHA ICON.

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

...your icon, OTOH...(is it bad that my main thought is, "but then who's Abby?")

[severedscythe.livejournal.com]

Arwen, apparently. :B Galadriel and then elrond are the directors.

[trystings.livejournal.com]

Hahaha, I declare that you must have been the victor in this encounter.

(I owe you a big mail of cheer. I haven't forgotten) :)

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

Well, the English language certainly wasn't the winner! XP

Don't worry, take your time! Though I am happy to know you haven't forgotten ^_^

[utopiantrunks.livejournal.com]

*falls over dead* LOL. What the ever-frogging hellbiscuits?! My brain just exploded into a thousand shivering shards of light in its futile attempt to parse in spite of me.

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

Most of it should parse, except maybe the bit at the end...but the Surgeon General doesn't recommend trying XP

[snarkydame.livejournal.com]

*snorfles*

Somehow, you seem to be channeling the demented bastard step-child of Terry Pratchett. If that child was raised in a commune run by teenage slash writers who post exclusively on DeviantArt.

That takes MAD skills. *bows*

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

*laughs* I should read more Pratchett, if it's like this...or maybe I should stay far, far away? ^^

[stitcher2ficcer.livejournal.com]

Egads! I do love it when your writing turns purple. But this, I think, surpasses the violet hue of anything you've yet put into print. Love the "most recent flame in a libidinous and continent-spanning candelabra." And the list of exceptions to Napolean's true love is highly comical. I'd love to share this with your dad to celebrate your prose-de-purple talent, but somehow I don't think he'd appreciate one of his teenage fan objects "want[ing] in Mr. Kuryakin's off-the-rack but oddly flattering trousers."

I printed the draft of your current story yesterday but fell dead asleep last night before reading it. Am sick, alas, and in need of extra sleep. Am meeting Maren at Readercon tomorrow if I'm well enough; will try to read and comment over the weekend.

Love you.

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

"most recent flame in a libidinous and continent-spanning candelabra."

Hee, I was rather partial to that line myself...

And don't be sick! Get sleep, get well! Have fun with Maren, too (What's Readercon? You'll have to fill me in...)

[stitcher2ficcer.livejournal.com]

http://readercon.org/ All literature sci-fi/fantasy convention with lively, interesting, and unusual discussion panels. Maren went for the first time last year and raved about it--her favorite sci-fi con next to World Con. A very intellectual con and community with a very strong fannish leaning as well. Check out the red "Program" tag to read their con presentation philosophy and get a sampling of how they're organized.

I was feeling much better today than yesterday, so did meet her there. We managed to squeeze in four panels and two author readings and one author talk by authors previously unknown to us who impressed us during the panels. I found myself wishing you were with us several times over the course of the day. A very meta kind of experience that I think you would greatly have enjoyed hearing and participating in.

Have you ever read The Orphan's Tales by Catherynne Valente? Her specialty is alternate tellings/novelizations of fairy tales & folk literature and of contemporary sci-fi/fantasy topics in a folk literature style. Hearing her talk about how she wrote the Orphan series, as well as her contribution to one of the panels we enjoyed, plus the response of readers who've read her work, made us both want to go right out and get this series to start reading it.

Although I recognized and have read almost no one at the con today except Ellen Kushner, I found the panels and presenters really interesting. Ellen Kushner, by the way, published a third book in the Swordspoint series in 2006, which I wasn't aware of; it's set between Swordspoint and Fall of the Kings, and it's Maren's favorite of the three. Apparently does not have the problems that made you steer away from Fall of the Kings. I didn't buy it because Maren's going to loan it to me; but I read the cover blurbs and reviews--it sounds really wonderful and satisfying.

Maybe next year we can plan to go together.

Having been fighting off this lousy cold most of the week, I am now tired to the point of falling down and my sore throat is back tonight. So now Good Night!

Love you!

[franzeska]

Is it terribly bad of me to want to read the rest of the fic that would go with that opening?

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

*laughs* You're welcome to write it - I ain't touching this one again with a ten-foot pole! ^_^

[franzeska]

Ha ha ha!

But you know it's the inevitable result of any "first lines" type thing. Whether the intention is to write a good first line or a bad one, everyone always wants to read the rest.