prose de purple

[xparrot]

So mfuwss is holding a Bulwer-Lytton style worst-opening-sentences challenge, and since I cannot resist any excuse to extrude outrageous purple prose:

Illuminating was the day when Napoleon Solo's milk-chocolate-hued orbs did happen to lift from the blizzard-like expanse of paradoxically white red-tape covering his desk, and fell upon the pulse-pounding vision of Janet St. Claude, his most recent flame in a libidinous and continent-spanning candelabra, with her lithe arms encircling the sable-suited shoulders of Illya Kuryakin, his steadfast partner in profession and comradeship alike, and also, so the surprising stab of jealousy's searing hot poker occasioned Napoleon to realize at this singular instant, his one and only true love--excepting, of course, his still-mourned wife, the tragically married Clara, that THRUSH scientist chick who (it occurred to him in passing) he'd quite forgotten the name of, even as she had forgotten everything but his own name; and perhaps a dozen other women and a couple men of unsurpassed fairness and virtue--but really, the important thing was the unexpected epiphany that he wanted in Mr. Kuryakin's off-the-rack but oddly flattering trousers at the nearest possible opportunity, and Miss St. Claude would have to wait (until tomorrow morning at the very least.)

Comments

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

"Oh, Napoleon," Illya gasped, his head of flaxen gold thrown back in sensual abandon, his beloved partner's appellation wrenched from his lips as inevitably as folded bills grasped by a pickpocket's nimble digits from the bulging pockets of a tourist so exceptionally stupid as to put his money clip in his outer suit jacket pocket, not that Napoleon would ever do such thing, except maybe that one time, and it was only because certain tourists are wary of putting exploding money clips in their trouser pockets for obvious reason, and really, Illya, will you ever let me hear the end of that?

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

*bows before ye*

[xparrot.livejournal.com]

...once I start purpling, it's difficult to stop ^^;

(have I ever mentioned how much I adore that icon? because, HEEEE.)

[shayheyred.livejournal.com]

Hee! That one's by st_crispins, who is deranged. Someone else made this one, which never fails to crack me up. I wish I could remember who made it -- sithdragn, perhaps.