X Never Marks the Spot

Things have been stressful lately and I haven't been writing, which really doesn't help my stress levels. I started this and then haven't gotten back to it but I'm posting it here in hopes of prodding myself.

...And yeah, stress means self-indulgence, which means...I believe the formal term is "back on my bullshit." :P

"Shen Wei?" Zhao Yunlan tilted the flashlight up toward his face, and Shen Wei raised his free hand to shade his eyes.

"Shen Wei, why aren't you wearing your breathing mask?" Zhao Yunlan demanded.

Shen Wei blinked back the momentary sparkles to look at Zhao Yunlan's face--his eyes were narrowed, echoing the inexplicable alarm in his voice. "My what?"

Zhao Yunlan reached to the annoying encumbrance hanging around Shen Wei's neck, gave it a tug. "Oh," Shen Wei said, "that--I couldn't properly smell the fragrance with it on."

"Yeah," Zhao Yunlan said, "wasn't that the point?"

Shen Wei tried to think. He had a vague memory of Lin Jing explaining something while giving them the masks, but the details slipped his mind now. But Zhao Yunlan was looking at him expectantly, so he hazarded, "Yes, that was the point."

"But then you took off the mask to better smell the murder flower's poison pollen."

"Yes, I did," Shen Wei confirmed, relieved to be on more certain ground.

Happy holidays & season's greetings!

I've been blocked with writing lately so haven't had much to post...but I've been trying to force myself to write at least a couple hundred words a day, and though I'm frustrated with them, that's 3K more words than I had last week, so that's something! And last night I was plotting out my sundial_exchange fic and think I have something workable.

This is my angst fic, which I'm back at work on...only it's gone all plotty on me and now Xiao-Guo is undercover and Zhu Hong and Shen Wei have been debating Dixing-Yashou politics and I don't even know. But there is some angst still...

Shen Wei moved his trembling fingers, typed into the phone, You shouldn't risk this, Zhao Yunlan.

Then he stared at those stark words, and wrote beneath them, I miss you too.

Just a few characters--they weren't enough. But then, as spoken words they would still be inadequate. Far too small things to encompass the hollowness of the last few days--the fear of not knowing, the yawning emptiness.

He'd lived for years without Zhao Yunlan--waiting for Kunlun, for that promise to be fulfilled. He'd known loneliness, and the constant tug of yearning.

But that was nothing to this now--now, when he knew what it meant to have a life with Zhao Yunlan. Not just stolen moments between battles and nights hidden from the others, but to share work, meals, a bed. To make for him a home, and live in it with him, and know he would be coming back to it every night--Shen Wei hadn't realized how completely he had acclimated to it. Begun to expect it, to rely on it, in some deep unconscious part of himself. So to be deprived, even for those few days--to face that he might never have it again, no longer even waiting, but just--

The phone buzzed: I miss you so much, Xiao-Wei

Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate, and happy fanning likewise!

--And I am planning on doing days 4-6 of WeiLan week eventually, but for now:

Weilan Week 2019 day 7 prompt: Say one Weilan/Guardian thing you're grateful for, and wish Guardian a happy birthday!

Happy birthday, Guardian! I'm grateful to be in a fandom with so many other creative people to collaborate with and enjoy what they make!

Such as my marvelous naye, who recently got into reading podfic -- and not only did she read several of her own awesome stories (I especially enjoyed her poetical rendition of This heart I gave you to hold is still beating), but two of mine as well:
Scars, and 'Twas Brillig -- which is over 20K words; the podfic is almost two and a half hours long!! I think it works even better in audio form, especially the end; the first time you actually hear Shen Wei's name is so affecting.

Then, frith_in_thorns is almost done posting Goblin Fruit, just one chapter to go, and I...cannot give a coherent rec of this fic, it is such a direct shot to my id, the most incredible mix of angsty h/c and devotion and magic-drug-altered POVs. But so much gratitude to Frith for letting me pre-read/beta and putting up with reactions that were 40% incoherent gibbering, 40% ridiculously overthinking nitpicking, and 40% shameless begging for even more (yes that's 120%. I'm so sorry, Frith! ^^;;;)

Finally, dzenka , who translated several of my fic into Russian and has been sharing with me a taste of the squeeful, seagull-screeching crack that is the Russian Guardian fandom (e.g. a Black-Cloaked Envoy vid...to the Darkwing Duck theme...in Russian) and is now posting their first English-language fic (a translation of their own fic from the original Russian) which I am helping beta: Where All the Light Burns Out, a long fix-it that diverges from canon in the last episodes, and I am so looking forward to seeing where it's going!

Weilan Week 2019 day 2 prompt: What do you love the most about Weilan?

The MOST? Ask a fan to choose one thing about her OTP?? Impossible!

But if I must...I think my favorite thing about them is their fantastic compatibility. Which cheatingly covers a whole range of things, but it's what makes them so satisfying. Especially because they're people who on the surface don't seem that compatible. They can come across as an opposites-attract couple because their exterior presentations are so different, between Shen Wei's ultra-reserved, iron-willed control and dignity, with his rigid posture and rigorously tailored suits and his actual literal mask; contrasted to Zhao Yunlan's casually insouciant slouching and scruffy distressed jeans, his aggressively informal attitude toward public and personal space and his easily expressed moods.

Except that there's so much more with them that is shared and mutual, when you look at little closer. ( Read more... )

I was writing this whole long rambling post about responsibility, and apologizing for and trying to minimize accidental harm, but then it changed tangents and I think what I most want to say is this:

In fandom, please be careful about how negative you are, and how you are negative.

This relates to anything from offering unsolicited crit on a fic (or heck, solicited crit) to hating on a part of canon, or to being an anti, or to discussing your dislike of a popular fic trope.

I'm not saying this for reasons of courtesy and manners, though I think that counts for something. But it's really for a much more selfish reason: Negativity can make people disengage, and that's overall detrimental to fandom. Which I selfishly care about, as a fan.

Spoilers: fandom is a really fucking emotional thing for most people. Our interests and obsessions are a pretty core part of our identities, and we wouldn't be devoting time and energy to them if we weren't mentally and emotionally engaged. Hearing that someone hates something you love can hurt, even when there is no hurt intended. That's even before we get into the question of fanfic and fanart and vids and other fan creations, and how personal one's art is to most artists. Especially for amateur artists, who aren't getting paid and so the only impetus to share our creations is for emotional validation.

There have been more than a few fic writers who have quit writing because of crit -- because getting crit is really hard even for many professional writers, and people writing for fun may not have the emotional energy to deal with it, or just don't want to, and so they stop, or stop sharing their work publicly. But it's not just direct crit that can do this. If you're writing a trope you love, or a pairing you love, and then you see people talking about how much they dislike that trope or how gross that pairing is, it can make you hesitate to keep writing, or at least hesitate to share your work, knowing you might be inviting crit. Or even just thinking that no one is going to want to read it. (Then, some of us are the opposite and such things inspire us to keep going out of pure spite; but even for me that's something I have to work myself into and it takes its own emotional toll.)

And this hurts, not just the writer, but the fandom as a whole, because someone quitting writing means less fic in the fandom for the rest of us. And even if it's not fic that you like personally, that you'd be happy not to see any more of -- someone else surely would like it, and want more, and do you want to spoil their fun, too?

Likewise, talking about disliking canon can stop discussion, because it can be hard to contradict someone -- especially someone with whom you share a fandom, so there can be that sense of comradery, being in the same community. So if you see a fan friend talking about how X canon thing sucks, rather than argue back that you love that thing, it can be easier to not rock the boat, to not say anything -- but then not feeling comfortable to talk about what you love in a fandom can drain your interest in it, and with it the fandom; and then you drift away, and the fandom shrinks.

To be clear, I'm not saying don't be negative. For one thing, sometimes it's important to do so. Calling out things like racism or toxic behavior can be seen as negative but can also be really crucial for the overall health and safety of a community and the members in it. Pointing out that a fic isn't sufficiently tagged can be a type of criticism (and can hurt a writer) but may help many other fans who could be impacted.

For two, complaining about what we dislike as well as what we like is a big part of fanning for a lot of us -- for me definitely; I enjoy a good hard critical analysis, and I'll be honest, sometimes I take guiltily gleeful pleasure in shredding something I didn't like. And sometimes, too, it feels great to talk about and find out I'm not alone in hating X thing. But I try -- have been trying harder -- to limit how I do it. When I criticize canon, I try to tag/mark it for negativity and squee-harshing, so people who don't want to see it can avoid it. When I criticize fanworks (either a specific fic I don't like, or a trope/ship/etc) I try to ensure it's not personal, and/or to keep it in more private locked channels that won't get back to the writer(s), because that's really all about me and what I like; it's not another fan's fault that I have my preferences, and the last thing I want to do is get in the way of the fun of someone else who is enjoying the fandom as much as I am, if in a different way.

I'm far from great at this -- I've hurt friends on more than one occasion without meaning to because I got too into a fannish debate and didn't realize the feelings I was provoking. I have no doubt that I've discouraged other fans from fanning on and writing things they enjoy, and I'm sorry for that. But I'm trying, and will keep trying -- I've been trying harder especially lately because my current fandom is quite small; just about all of us non-lurkers in it have interacted with each other to some extent, so it makes any interactions more personal than they would be in a larger fandom in which many people don't know each other. I'm not perfect but I'm doing my best. And hopefully my fandoms will be a more encouraging place for it.

tl;dr: make squee, not war?

ETA: this post's original subject was "not-so-vague vague-posting" because I was originally inspired to write it by a mess in my current fandom. My original intent morphed in the writing of it, though, to be more about my own changing feelings about how I interact with the fan communities I'm in, for better or for worse, so I've adjusted the subject to match.

Got another prompt on the h/c comment-fest right when I was thinking I wanted to do at least one more, so thank you shadowlancer_95 for that kick of instant inspiration! :D

A Cat's Discretion

As a little change of pace it's Da Qing's POV, with gen h/c (with Shen Wei. Okay it's not that much of a change of pace.)

And a Sunday Snippet, of a fic that I may not be able to bring myself to post because of how absurdly embarrassed I am about it (no, it's not because it's porn. There's a bit but really I'd be less embarrassed if this were a proper PWP instead of...whatever this ridiculous thing is.)

"The point of this, ah, game, is for you to have fun, isn't it, not for you to make yourself sick."

Zhao Yunlan rolled his eyes again. Okay, he could have predicted that among Shen Wei's myriad talents, drinking games probably weren't going to be a specialty.

Not that they had an actual game. Zhao Yunlan had tried to think of something besides beer pong--no way could he match Shen Wei's reflexes, even sober--or watching movies--Shen Wei didn't know the tropes anyway--and had done a little online research, before deciding that they were two grown-ass men and if they wanted to spend a weekend night, with their schedules carefully cleared, getting mildly shit-faced together, then they didn't need some silly excuse to do it.

...And then Shen Wei had spent the first hour doing the after-dinner kitchen cleanup between hits, because of course he did. Maybe he should have picked a game. "The point," Zhao Yunlan said, "is for us to have fun."

The last couple of days have been rough on my writing (for dumb annoying reasons, why don't we come installed with a "will not be bothered by this thing" button?)

So! In the hopes of getting me to write something, and because this is what I'm feeling most wobbly about: it's time for hurt/comfort comment-fic!

Leave me a prompt/request for h/c, any hurt or any comfort, short or long as you want -- if it's character-specific, Guardian WeiLan please, that's all I'm in the mood to write; if that's not your thing then please leave a more general prompt! I don't promise to write anything (nor do I promise to write an actual commentfic and not some 10K-word monster, knowing me) but I would love any inspiration.

And if one of the prompts happens to tickle your fancy, please post your own comment fic (art, etc!) here (any fandoms, any characters) -- the more h/c the merrier!


The fills! \o/
(as of Nov. 23)

The Sundial goes full Equivalent Exchange. by frith_in_thorns
aftermath of torture by xparrot
Shen Wei is having trouble focusing (and how!) by xparrot
Hypothermia and cuddling for warmth (or: Shen Wei Is The Least Reliable Narrator) by yue_ix
Shen Wei has a weird allergic reaction by frith_in_thorns
Nightmares (and knives) by xparrot
Shen Wei suddenly has the power to hear people's dreams by naye
Fanart: Scars by yue_ix
Comfort tea & hypothermia by marycrawford
Wings, the kind that stay inside until they tear their way out by frith_in_thorns
Scars (AU fic for yue_ix's art) by xparrot
Dragged away screaming by marycrawford
Shen Wei thinking he's minorly hurt, but it's actually a lot worse by wintersoldier77
Zhao Yunlan has a literal healing cock by xparrot
Shen Wei thinking he's only minorly hurt, take 2 by rlyqueer
winter has come by extrapenguin
Shen Wei accidentally (or not) ingests poison meant for Zhao Yunlan by xparrot
muffled screams by duckwhatduck
Like a snowglobe by frith_in_thorns

The amnesia fic I was posting snippets of before is up on AO3, just one part to go:

'Twas Brillig
WeiLan, action/adventure, hurt/comfort

Zhao Yunlan's job is to save a few kids. He's got that. He just has a few questions. Like where are they, and how do they get out of here, and why does his head hurt so much?

And who the hell is this guy in the black cloak and mask?


And then I started another thing. Apparently, as much as I love angst, my true calling now is really sickeningly fluffy domesticity...the last thing that wrote this quickly was "Kite". This one...has even more words and even less plot. *sinks slowly into the ground*

"Shen Wei, what's up with you? This morning--you never oversleep, I don't ever need to set an alarm anymore--"

"I know," Shen Wei said wretchedly, "I'm sorry--"

"--and then this meeting--"

"--yes, that was an unacceptable oversight, I don't know how I--"

"--are you coming down with something?"

Shen Wei blinked at him. "Am I...?"

"Do you have a cold?" Zhao Yunlan said, slow and patiently.

Posted a ficlet, Guardian of course, pure fluff (literally; there's flannel PJs): as is deemed reasonable & necessary

The 30 Days of Guardian that has been going around on dw has been so much fun to read; I'm behind everyone else now doing it but tempted to start anyway...(never done a meme like that...I don't think I've managed daily posts for a month since, uh, ever...?)

Sunday Six(ish) is from the amnesia fic that's nearly done...it's, uh, only about twice as long as I thought it would be? That's honestly an improvement for me? ^^; It's like all action-adventure and banter; Guardian just brings out the old-school ficcer in me...

"If you meant it before," Zhao Yunlan said, "about keeping these kids safe--then maybe it won't be so bad, us working together."

There was a pause. Then the Envoy said, evenly and quietly enough to make it hard to read his tone, "So, I'm to understand that if I cooperate with you now, I'll find you more agreeable in our future partnership. While as if I do not, then you'll be...less amenable to work with."

"Oh, I can go way beyond less amenable," Zhao Yunlan assured him. "Try intractable. Hostile. Dissentious. One of my instructors at the academy used 'recalcitrant and intransigent' on an official review. You could pull rank all you want, but I'd make your every interaction with the SID a living hell."

"I don't doubt it," the Envoy said, but he didn't sound overly bothered.

Finally managed to gather the household for long enough to watch the finale of Elementary!

Last year when Elementary s6 ended, the showrunners thought it might be the end, so they wrote the finale they wanted for the show. And I loved it, to the point that when the show did get renewed for a final short seventh season, I was actually a little disappointed, because I wasn't sure if they could stick the landing a second time. So while I was happy to get more and was enjoying this season, I was a little worried all along about how it was all going to end.

Now it has. And, in the final reckoning -- I am so, so happy they got that last season, and that we got this finale.

( spoilers for Elementary 7x13 )